this week sucks.. it really has being extremely lousy.. it seems like history is repeating itself again.. it's like the exact same thing i've being through during my last yr of primary school..

i'm being having severe sleeping disorder.. cant really sleep at night.. often sleep at 2 or 3 am.. i will just be lying on my bed thinking of many things.. reflect on the day and realised how much it sucks.. i feel like as tho everyone is like taking me for granted.. like u got smth to benefit them, they are close to u.. but when u dont have that thing already, the bite u from behind and leave u alone with all the scars.. that's the world..

i feel like indulging myself into badminton totally.. into pain also.. so that i can relieve myself totally from all the stess.. i just find myself having alot of problems that i really cant lift it up to God.. it's so tough that i really cannot let it go..

i once thought of this qns b4 and asked myself this before.. what if i were to die today, how many ppl will be sad over my death?? How many people will come for my funeral?? Now i think i got the answer liao.. i know my teachers will come.. my sports leaders will come.. my cell members will come.. my family will come.. but for my classmates and other schoolmates, i think only a handfull of them.. it seems like no one in school will ever notice that ben is gone from school.. i dont wanna have a death that is like that.. if i were to die in secondary school times, i want the whole school to be able to visit my funeral.. i want to create a huge impact on people that is so great that they will remember me for life.. but how?? i only have 5 mths left in marsiling..

I find it very difficult to change.. my tone of talking.. my playfulness.. my untactfulness.. my over outspokeness.. I wanna change.. i desperately wanna change.. but how.. i find it very difficult to do so.. if i can only be quiet totally for 2 wks.. only use words that bless people.. show actions of a leader.. display actions of what a blesser will do.. but how???!!

God,
hear this cry of your beloved son today.. i really yearn to change this attitude and character of mine.. make me someone new.. make me a blesser not a taker.. not someone who hurts others but someone totally like Jesus.. make me use all the talents of mine that you have given me to bless and help others, not to use if for my own selfish sake..


Ok lah.. will blog till here..