this week sucks.. it really has being extremely lousy.. it seems like history is repeating itself again.. it's like the exact same thing i've being through during my last yr of primary school..

i'm being having severe sleeping disorder.. cant really sleep at night.. often sleep at 2 or 3 am.. i will just be lying on my bed thinking of many things.. reflect on the day and realised how much it sucks.. i feel like as tho everyone is like taking me for granted.. like u got smth to benefit them, they are close to u.. but when u dont have that thing already, the bite u from behind and leave u alone with all the scars.. that's the world..

i feel like indulging myself into badminton totally.. into pain also.. so that i can relieve myself totally from all the stess.. i just find myself having alot of problems that i really cant lift it up to God.. it's so tough that i really cannot let it go..

i once thought of this qns b4 and asked myself this before.. what if i were to die today, how many ppl will be sad over my death?? How many people will come for my funeral?? Now i think i got the answer liao.. i know my teachers will come.. my sports leaders will come.. my cell members will come.. my family will come.. but for my classmates and other schoolmates, i think only a handfull of them.. it seems like no one in school will ever notice that ben is gone from school.. i dont wanna have a death that is like that.. if i were to die in secondary school times, i want the whole school to be able to visit my funeral.. i want to create a huge impact on people that is so great that they will remember me for life.. but how?? i only have 5 mths left in marsiling..

I find it very difficult to change.. my tone of talking.. my playfulness.. my untactfulness.. my over outspokeness.. I wanna change.. i desperately wanna change.. but how.. i find it very difficult to do so.. if i can only be quiet totally for 2 wks.. only use words that bless people.. show actions of a leader.. display actions of what a blesser will do.. but how???!!

God,
hear this cry of your beloved son today.. i really yearn to change this attitude and character of mine.. make me someone new.. make me a blesser not a taker.. not someone who hurts others but someone totally like Jesus.. make me use all the talents of mine that you have given me to bless and help others, not to use if for my own selfish sake..


Ok lah.. will blog till here..

ok.. here to blog again..





well, ystd didnt go sch.. hahax.. but really enjoyed it alot.. hahax.. went for the badminton national C division finals.. but one thing really shocked me alot.. it was the C boys.. The final 2 were not sports school or montfort.. but they got 3rd and 4th.. it was a battle between raffles institution and BOON LAY SEC.. when we reach there, my 1st reaction was OH MY GOODNESS??? boon lay sec??? in the national finals??? den see the players on the bench den know the main reason liao.. very simple.. they have 2 to 3 new China players.. dotx.. not fair lor..





so our main job was prize steward.. did all the unpacking and sat down to watch the game.. den i got the schedule for the programme ystd.. saw who the guest of honour was.. it was RONALD SUSILO!!! WOOHOO!!! I'm so gonna take pic with him, get his autograph and even kidnap him also possible.. so we waited for him to come while watching the game between RI and BLS.. so as we do not have any permanent marker, i went out all the way just to get a marker for him to sign 6 shirts.. but the 90cents was really worth it.. LOLX..





so we waited lah till he finally come.. den we all went to put on our blazer.. den i approached him lah to ask him for his autograph and the rest were behind me.. lolx.. den the bedok view principal came back.. den he scolded us.. den i cannot tahan him lor.. jealous izzit.. lolx..





so den finally it was our turn to get into action.. Raffles institution won boon lay 3-2 and raffles girls won dunman high.. but the girls were really damm good also.. so after that, we took a grp pic with ronald susilo and i took another personal one with him..





here are the pics..

Our group photo with Ronald Susilo.. lolx.. he is like so damm skinny lah.. like a bamboo pole like that lor.. LOLX..

Me with Ronald Susilo.. LOLX..

Well really enjoyed myself today.. hahax.. ok lah.. blog till here.. =)

Well.. just wanna share what happen to me in school today..

1st thing: Maths Lesson..
Well, during maths class today, aisyah was chased out of class.. for eating in class.. the weird thing was, everyone behind her like more than 8 of them were eating chocolate also.. den me and karwah also eating potato chips when we are sitting right in front of her somemore.. LOLX.. but in the end, it's aisyah who is sitting at the back who got caught..

during recess, she was like asking me "eh ben, last time u throw the thing at thilagam right, den u kena in-house suspension that tieme, mr pradeep know about it or not".. den i like give her the "duh" face lor.. den i tell her not to worry.. the worst is mr pradeep talk to her abit harsh only lor..

2nd thing: Before maths lesson..
At the end of POA lesson, i walked with miss lim from 4M4 Classroom all the way to staffroom B.. den when i was walking back to class, i saw ms teo ouside the dnt workshop beside the kitchen.. so she stop me.. bcoz i didnt go to sch on mon and missed her chem lesson and got go back to sch for the napfa test thingy.. so she ask me a qns lah.. den i ask her in a very regretful way.. which i feel very remorse about lah..

den the nxt part she say to me really impacted me..

she told me this ah.. "ben ah, u are doing very well in your chem for the first few tests.. all As.. but now u fail untill so badly.. how can like that.. i heard from ms tan that ur physics also not doing very well right.. fail also.. you need to put in more effort in it.. u are a A type of student for science.. but u did not put enough effort in your physics only.. i want you to put in more effort in your sciences, especially your physics.. Can?? i have confidence in you.. "

yaya.. i know she nags at me.. but i feel so encouraged when she say that she have confidence in me.. that's what i really need.. confidence in my physics and need more effort in it.. den i can score..

ok lah.. blog till here for this post.. anyway, thank you ms teo for your encouragement.. i promise you that i'll put in the effort for my sciences one..

I just dont know what has gotten into me recently, i feel rather uneasy inside my spirit.. it's like my spiritman is like keep on turning ard inside of me.. i never had this feeling before.. It is like a supernatural explosion is gonna happen inside of me..

What could it be???
Is it a sign from God over smth??
Is it a result from the Holy Laughter which I got from Benny Hinn's service??
Or it is just me feeling weird??

Wonders.. hmmx..

Oh well.. hahax.. it's almost 3 am in the mornin already.. hahax..

Well, for the past 2 days, which was fri and sat, i went for Benny Hinn's service.. this time as what Benny Hinn is gifted as, in the area of healing.. hahax.. Saw alot of miracles that happened during fri and sat..

On fri, reached there ard 4.. Indoor Stadium.. Served East Zone for 2 Days.. Fri's attendance was ok only but for sat, there were on ard 500 rejected.. fri service the atmosphere was not a gd as sat.. sat's svc was way better than fri by alot..

Benny Hinn on sat's svc flowed with the spirit very closely.. he started laying hands (which was call it) but he didnt touch the person at all.. he just swing his hand or say some words, the person flew already..

So this svc really struck me alot.. Firstly, it was because it was the 1st time i ever experieced "holy laughter".. Not once but twice.. It was a some sort of laughter that once u fall under the presence of God and u started laughing uncontrollably.. It sounded like as tho i'm laughing, crying and screaming at the same time

Secondly, Benny Hinn laid hands on the choir many times, nxt was pastor kong, he just said "choir, be blessed" and nxt thing, the entire choir received it and they all fell at the same time..

Thirdly, i saw many people coming out of their wheelchairs.. the best part on sat was, someone actually came out of his hospital bed..

Ok lah.. blog till here.. tired liao..

Ok.. just wanna thank God that everything between me with her is all right..

She had already forgiven me..

But i personally dont feel very happy..

Reason??

Simple..

I feel that i dont deserve it after what i've done..

But felt better now since it's all over..

That's all i have to say..

Period..

When i picked up my guitar just now and sing songs of praises and worship to you.. One thing i really know that there is a God out there.. A God who listens to me when i cry for him.. A God who comes and comfort me at the lowest point of my life..

I started playing this song and tears of comfort and with ease flow down my cheeks.. I felt so assured in His presence that every thing is so gonna be alright..

Ths song is called "MY HEALER"
Verse 1
LOVE STRONGER THAN THE FEARS BEFORE ME
HUNG ON THE CROSS AND SET ME FREE
MERCY ENDURES THROUGH ALL MY FRAILTY
BLOOD THAT WAS SHED FOR ME TO LIVE

Bridge
RAIN DOWN YOUR POWER
SAVIOUR I NEED YOU NEAR

Chorus
MY JESUS, I CALL YOUR NAME
YOU'RE BROKEN FOR ALL MY PAIN
MY HEALER YOU'VE TOUCHED MY SOUL
BY YOUR STRIPES, I'M WHOLE AGAIN
AND I PLACE ALL MY TRUST IN YOU
AND I PLACE ALL MY HOPE IN YOU

Verse 2
RIVER OF LIFE THAT RUNS IN HEAVEN
FLOW FROM YOUR THRONE INTO THIS PLACE
HEALING WILL FLOW THROUGH ALL THE NATIONS
AND ALL WILL KNOW YOUR SAVING GRACE

The lyrics really touched my heart and it encouraged me in the current situation that i am going through currently.. Thank God for his love and his presence.. Hallelujah..

I can't believe it..
I just posted 3 post ago that "words are like knives, they hurt others"

and here am i using words to hurt her..
what a foolish man i am..

Heartbrokened..

It's all my fault..

I've never cried so much b4...

I've never felt such pain in my heart b4..

I'm sorry.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry..

For not understanding you at all..

I've just lost a friend who was true to me..

Bcoz of my straight-forwardness and brainless thoughts..

I've hurt u so much that your heart bled terribly..

Hurt u till you may never talk to me ever again..

I've learned it the hard way..



Help me God.. Help me..

Is there a God who is out there to help me??..

Get me out of my pain...

Ease me totally from it..

My feelings today:

A FOOLISH MAN
Fool!! Fool!! How big of a fool one could be
To do some foolish things at a wrong time of a wrong day
To make a big fool of myself towards you
At the End of the day

Here i am being true to you
And there you are making me feel like a complete fool
How ironic a day could be
Is just by one simple sentence you said to me
A simple sentence that came from you
That broke my heart towards you

Why?? Why?? How could this happen to me??
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
But life goes on as i'm fading away
I'm sick and tired of this type of life
How in the world could this happen to me??

by: benjamin (copyrighted 2007)

Well.. it's already 2.05 am in the morning already.. of April Fool's day.. LOLX.. hahax..

actually didnt really wanted to blog one.. but i was looking through some blogs of people from different places in singapore.. i personally feel that the they tend to abuse the use of a blog.. they use it to slender others, curse and swear at a person and even write nonsense on their tagboard.. i feel that this is very stupid lah.. even though a blog is used for venting your anger, but one gotta realise that your blog is opened to everyone to see.. since u publicised it, den the consequences that whatever happens to it, you all gotta pay if yourself.. if someone slenders you in his/her blog and you happen to see it personally, what i must say is that if that person were to get you arrested, you have no one to blame but yourself for slendering and saying uneccessary stuff towards that person..

so i want to urge people reading this post today to think twice about what you want to post and what u have to say about your post before posting it online for the ENTIRE WORLD to see it.. dont be like an ignorant modern youngster and say that you do not think about the consequences so you do it.. but since u do it, one must really think of the consequences of whatever he or she does in every thing that he/she does be it big or small.. although u may say things like aiyah.. just joking and playing ard only mah.. but take note.. WORDS ARE LIKE KNIVES!!! THEY HURT PEOPLE!! what you sow you will definitely reap back but not a small amount but a bountiful harvest.. if you dont believe that people may call the police, try it.. i think you will need to learn things the very hard way.. or shld i say TRY ME..

so i hope that everyone who read this post will do smth about it and stop your nonsensical spamming if you are doing so.. seriously, it is not worth your time in doing all these kinds of things.. since u hate that person, y bother about him/her.. if he/she is that bad, he/she will surely have ppl boycotting them for sure.. everyone will notice it.. but by doing such actions, you are not only bringing yourself trouble but also being very childish..